I’ve realised I lack self confidence, so now what?

Clients (and strangers) ask me this. I wonder if they hope that I have a pink pill, or even a hypodermic syringe. Some magic and instant solution.

The bad news

There is no instant solution. No magic pink pill.

The good news

You will improve your self confidence when you make changes to the way you think. You will improve your self confidence when you make changes to the way you behave. Honestly.

Self confidence is not something you are born with. (Or maybe you are, maybe children are naturally confident but that’s a whole different debate) It can be knocked and doesn’t need to stay permanently damaged. You can have low self confidence and it can be improved.

I often describe it as a muscle -as you practise the habits that build self confidence you can build that muscle, no matter how weak it is now.

A three legged stool

Building self confidence is made up of 3 elements, all essential. Like a three legged stool you need all three to feel stable.

1. Know yourself.
2. Do something new. Move out of your comfort zones.
3. Say “no”.

I’m going to say a little bit more about each of these.

Know yourself

Knowing who you are and what you want out of your life gives you a grounding. Take some time to recognise your strengths and weaknesses.

Some of you will come up with a blank at those two sentences. For you I’d recommend some gentle exploration. Every day, make a note of what you enjoyed most – an enjoyment diary – and notice the patterns.

Or, a more spiritual version would be to use the Examen prayer. This was devised by Catholic Jesuits and could also work with other faiths.

Click here for more information on this – http://bit.ly/azQhVb

Do something new

Trying new things, improves your self confidence. This can be as small as varying the supermarket you use for your weekly shop or as large as applying for a new job. As you stretch yourself and move out of your comfort zones you are increasing the limits of what you believe you can do.

Say “no”

Explore what you want to say “yes” to and what you want to say “no” to. Say “yes” to the things that make you feel alive, more yourself, connected. Say “no” to the things that you do not want to do and God is not calling you to. Say “no” to the things that deaden you and rob you of energy. and say “no” more often. Set firm boundaries and respect yourself.

In recent months, I’ve been moving out of safe places. I’ve been talking to large groups of women, leading workshops, managing young people, succeeding, failing, learning new skills and often without the safety net of enough time to prepare. There were times when I doubted I would manage the new thing. As things start to quieten down I notice that I did cope. I threw myself into the experience and know that my capabilities are more than I realised. I can do much more than I thought I could. This gives me increased confidence to continue moving forward and continue growing.

In future posts I’ll explore each of these aspects in more depth. For now, take one of these and take a baby step forward.

Share your thoughts here on improving self confidence. What has worked for you and not worked for you?

Self confidence – what are the keys to self confidence? Those that have subscribed to my newsletter will have received two articles on the keys to self confidence.

To recap:

Firstly, knowing who you are, what are your strengths, what matters to you and what you want in life. Part of this is setting boundaries and being able and willing to say “no”.

Secondly, knowing where you are heading and setting goals in order to get there.

Facing fears is a necessary part of setting boundaries and also moving forward towards your goals. I’ve noticed a correlation in my willingness to move beyond my comfort zones and the speed at which I move forward.

I fear heights – so recently went abseiling. I wanted to stretch myself. We started with a short rock, maybe 10 foot tall, then a bigger one then a bigger one still. Part of abseiling is leaning back over the edge of the rock to the point of being almost horizontal, then walking back down. I found it was better just to do it and not spend too much dreading the experience. Face the fear and then get walking. I can’t honestly say I enjoyed the abseiling. And yet I achieved something I had thought impossible.

There was something about those abseils which showed me I could face other fears. I can do more than I realise.

And feeling scared doesn’t mean that I have to stop. It is possible to move on whilst being scared.

So that movement out of mycomfort zone of staying away from heights  showed me that I can move out of other comfort zones, that I can do more than I think or feel is possible. I now know that if my life depended on it, I could abseil.

Just suceeding in doing something scary is good for my self confidence. It gives me a sense of achievement. There’s evidence to show that doing new things, even if it’s just trying a new sandwich shop at lunchtime, is good for self confidence. Stretching oneself.

In the next few months I have been asked to give a series of workshops on leadership to some young people in Birmingham. That will represent a stretch, doing something slightly scary. I am more able to do this because I have chosen other stretches.

So, as the new year of 2010 starts, what fears do you want to face? How can you move out of your comfort zones?

ACTION CHALLENGE:

A little stretach – Try something new this month. A new sport, a new activity, a meeting up with a new acquaintance. Not necessarily something scary, just a gentle move in a new direction.

Or a bigger step. What would you do if you were not afraid? How would taking a risk right now move you forward?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
© Rosalyn Clare

Offer: To celebrate my accreditation – I’m now a certified professional coactive coach (hurrah!) – I’m offering a reduced price session to get you to face your fears and move forward towards your goals.This offer is for the first 10 people to email me and apply. Price only £20 (normally £75)

So why self confidence?

I’ve been carrying out interviews of career women this year. I’ve asked them about the challenges they face. I’ll tell you more about the results in a future issue.

It affects us all

The theme of self confidence came up time and time again. Worded as the ability to talk about your success in the same way as your male colleagues. Or believing in your abilities. Or fear of failure holding you back. Some women feel like impostors who risk being found out.

I’ve also carried out surveys on job satisfaction this year. I’ve asked why people stay in their jobs and what makes them leave. About 50% of those who had left cited lack of self confidence as a reason why they did not leave earlier (joint first with financial reasons). This is also a factor for 28% of those who have stayed.

Self confidence is what enables us to be the very best us we can possibly be.

Why women?

I do work with men. I like working with men and have a fabulous male client at the moment. And I’m excited about women being empowered. Women sometimes need someone on their side to help them take that next step. Although things have got a lot better, we still live in an unequal world.

Why me?

Clients speak to me about increased self confidence and feeling their own strength after working with me. Without blowing my own trumpet (although maybe we should all do that more) I know that my coaching will result in increased self confidence.

(Coming soon – virtual classes and in person classes on self confidence. I’m planning a series, details to follow.)

Putting things off

So why the procrastination?

I’m learning not to beat myself up at times like these. There’s usually a reason for procrastination, often a good one. I’ve spent a bit of time sitting with this and being curious. (Something I’d recommend for something you are putting off).

I came face to face with my desire to get it right. If not perfect then at least very good. ‘Professional’. I wanted my rewritten website to be completely finished. (And at least the text to properly align around the flower image…)

My last newsletter concerned a similar issue. My drive to produce quality is not always a force for good!

I’m imperfect

I’m imperfect and and my work is imperfect. Clearly true and strangely liberating to admit.

I’d rather connect with what is now a reasonable number of newsletter subscribers, than sit around waiting for perfection.

My website isn’t completely finished. (I’d welcome feedback on the wording of the first page, for example. Does it apply to you? Drop me a line.)

Is there anything in your life that you are delaying out of a desire to get it right or even perfect? What really matters about this issue?

What would it take for you to take a step today?

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically me

Because I alone chose it I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and

I AM OKAY

Poem by Virginia Satir