I recently wrote about facing fears. How often do we tell ourselves we can do nothing?

This girl addressed the UN about the environment…

Action challenge: What would you like to stand up for? Who can you contact to register your voice?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your action.
© Rosalyn Clare

Self confidence – what are the keys to self confidence? Those that have subscribed to my newsletter will have received two articles on the keys to self confidence.

To recap:

Firstly, knowing who you are, what are your strengths, what matters to you and what you want in life. Part of this is setting boundaries and being able and willing to say “no”.

Secondly, knowing where you are heading and setting goals in order to get there.

Facing fears is a necessary part of setting boundaries and also moving forward towards your goals. I’ve noticed a correlation in my willingness to move beyond my comfort zones and the speed at which I move forward.

I fear heights – so recently went abseiling. I wanted to stretch myself. We started with a short rock, maybe 10 foot tall, then a bigger one then a bigger one still. Part of abseiling is leaning back over the edge of the rock to the point of being almost horizontal, then walking back down. I found it was better just to do it and not spend too much dreading the experience. Face the fear and then get walking. I can’t honestly say I enjoyed the abseiling. And yet I achieved something I had thought impossible.

There was something about those abseils which showed me I could face other fears. I can do more than I realise.

And feeling scared doesn’t mean that I have to stop. It is possible to move on whilst being scared.

So that movement out of mycomfort zone of staying away from heights  showed me that I can move out of other comfort zones, that I can do more than I think or feel is possible. I now know that if my life depended on it, I could abseil.

Just suceeding in doing something scary is good for my self confidence. It gives me a sense of achievement. There’s evidence to show that doing new things, even if it’s just trying a new sandwich shop at lunchtime, is good for self confidence. Stretching oneself.

In the next few months I have been asked to give a series of workshops on leadership to some young people in Birmingham. That will represent a stretch, doing something slightly scary. I am more able to do this because I have chosen other stretches.

So, as the new year of 2010 starts, what fears do you want to face? How can you move out of your comfort zones?

ACTION CHALLENGE:

A little stretach – Try something new this month. A new sport, a new activity, a meeting up with a new acquaintance. Not necessarily something scary, just a gentle move in a new direction.

Or a bigger step. What would you do if you were not afraid? How would taking a risk right now move you forward?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
© Rosalyn Clare

Offer: To celebrate my accreditation – I’m now a certified professional coactive coach (hurrah!) – I’m offering a reduced price session to get you to face your fears and move forward towards your goals.This offer is for the first 10 people to email me and apply. Price only £20 (normally £75)

ACTION CHALLENGE: Where are you afraid? What can you focus on that will help you see beyond your fear?

Am I alone in finding this scary? Of wanting the future to be known and certain before I even start?

Setting up my own business and being self-employed for the first time is challenging. I ask myself “What if this fails? What if I fail?” With new activities and new relationships I ask the same question.

Failure feels like a deep pit into which I could fall, never to resurface.

It’s not logical.

And emotions are not always logical.

Failure feels like a message telling me I have no worth and I am not good enough. I believe this to be a message learned from an academic school for which exam results were everything. Competition was instilled into us from an early age.

In the past, my fear of failure was terrifying enough to cause me to delay. I delayed leaving my old corporate job, out of fear that I might get the next thing wrong. I delayed until I almost had no choice. Fear of failure has stopped me from trying new things, in case I am no good at them.

There is a cost to having this perspective on failure.

Past experience has taught me I don’t die when I fail. This sounds kinda obvious, yet sometimes it can feel that dramatic. I failed my Chemistry exam when I was 15 (and decided to give up the subject). I failed my driving test first time round (and went on to pass on my second). On a more serious level, my marriage failed. Yet I learned so much about myself and what I want from my life.

Failure provides the opportunity for learning and new growth.

I recently attended a salsa class. I was worried about being such a slow learner that it would be humiliating; worried that I would ‘fail’ the class. In the end I decided to go and have fun, irrespective of whether I learned salsa as fast as everyone else. I risked failure, realising that my worth as a human being did not depend on whether I was a quick learner of salsa. In this case, failure simply didn’t matter.It was a brilliant class, I wasn’t the worst (!) and I had a great night.

Another perspective on failure is that of Winston Churchill. ‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.’ And ‘Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.’

When I think of a toddler learning to walk, no one counts the number of times she falls over, least of all the toddler. She is not a failure if she takes longer to learn to walk than her little friend. What counts is her courage to continue. Her enthusiasm for learning to walk is not diminished by falling over, by failing. In business speak, this is failing forward, a failure that is actually part of the journey on. As an adult learning a new sport and learning a new skill involve a long series of getting it wrong before getting it right.

I am learning that there is more than one way to look at failure.

ACTION CHALLENGE: What is the impact on your life of the fear of failure? Where could you risk failure or even aim for failure in order to move your life on?

I can honestly say I’ve never regretted that initial ‘rash’ decision to hand in my notice. Despite things not always been easy or going the way I wanted since that date.

I have a similar decision at the moment; whether or not to reduce hours or leave my part-time job completely in order to concentrate more fully on coaching. This feels equally scary, despite there being less to lose and more to gain!

My part time work does fit my values, I do feel I fit and there is no sense of being moulded into someone I do not want to be. The situation reminds me that life is not black and white. The decision is not just between staying and going. The best decision for some will be to work part-time. Or to add in to your life voluntary work or other activities which better fit your values. Or to make peace with your existing work (see earlier article).

And – apart from a few obvious exceptions – fear is not a good reason for avoiding anything.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

Well, maybe it was just a ledge. But I am scared of heights, so it was a big deal. A big leap, in fact.

It was an exhilarating moment. Instead of a clamber into the river via the rocks, I decided to jump in the deep end. I was completely determined and ended up being the first of our tour group to jump. Once in the water, I was proud of my achievement and happy. I had conquered fears and felt free.

Reflecting on that experience, I see that leap as being a metaphor for my life. Or my life as I want it to be. Too often, I clamber over the rocks into the shallow end, wincing as I tread on the sharp rocks, taking one small step at a time. Sometimes, a big leap is called for. And can be easier than the gradual approach. A wise friend Merron pointed out that a small step can take as much energy as a big leap.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Where in your life would you like to take a big leap? What is stopping you? What is the cost to you, the equivalent of feet cut on the rocks, from not taking that leap?

If you’d like some support in taking a big leap, drop me a line via Contact-me/.

‘If I was not afraid, I would…’

One life coaching exercise I have found dramatically effective is to answer the above. Daily. For a week or two. And notice what items come up again and again. Little things and big things.

I have met people who do not admit they are fearful. Yet something is holding them back from the life they truly want.

As you answer the question, notice how your mind expands to think of new possibilities for your life. This question can reveal your true desires.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Open a new document on your computer and answer the question ‘If I was not afraid, I would…’ Make a list of everything you would be and do. Answer the question every day for a week and look at the opportunities you have listed.

Coaching is about getting excited about looking beyond the easy and glimpsing the new and the thrilling. Contact me if you would like to talk about moving beyond fear.