To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.
I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.
‘I was at an art show recently where my friend Ron made his very first sale- the largest piece in the show sold for $5,000. I was excited for him, and he seemed pleased as well.
But when I asked him how he and his wife would celebrate, he seemed very nonchalant. ‘Oh, I don’t know if we will,’ he said.
Now, I’m not the kind of person who opens a bottle of champagne for every achievement, but this seemed notably non-reactive to me. He has a day job, and so money wasn’t the issue- though his work is expensive to make. But when I asked him about the significance of not-celebrating, what he said surprised me.
“I’m happy to sell a piece,’ he said. “And I’m equally happy not to sell a piece. My happiness doesn’t depend on sales, really. I learned a long time ago that most people make it far too difficult to be happy- and I decided that I would do things differently. I don’t raise the bar at all- I just lay it on the ground. Then, to be happy, all I have to do is step over it.”
This was several months ago, and I’m still in awe of this simple idea.
It has me thinking about how ‘happiness’ gets defined, and by whom… How are ideas of ‘happiness’ related to ideas about ‘success’? And what are the measures of each?
What I like best about Ron’s idea is the notion that ‘people make it far too difficult to be happy’. He’s saying that for most of us, happiness is conditional- it depends on an outcome, achievement or result that we have set our hearts on. And that puts our own happiness in the hands of someone else.
Even if that’s not true, and the goal is self-determined, what happens if our happiness depends upon that goal? If we don’t get there, then most of us respond by being critical of ourselves, scolding, berating or demeaning some perceived deficiency.
What if we just set the bar on the ground? What would happen if we cut the ties between ‘achievement’, ‘accomplishment’ and ‘happiness’? What would the experience of ‘happiness’ be like, without attachment to these other measures?
Since speaking with Ron about this, I’ve been more available, more aware, of what is just going on around me, at any given time. Things like the feeling of moist, warm air on the skin of my arms as I walk to the store for milk. Or the sound of the strange, black bird that is living in my neighbour’s pear tree (a common gackle, as it turns out.) Even noticing how much my feet hurt after a morning painting the living room walls – and feeling happy that I can notice these things, happy at my ability to paint, to walk, to hear.
None of these things are attached to my goals and hopes, my dreams or aspirations. But somehow, noticing these things has allowed me to lighten up when it comes to my goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Ron’s decision to put the ‘bar on the ground’, didn’t just happen, as I found out later.
‘It might have been connected’ he said, to the experience of a serious head injury as a teen, and his almost dying as a result. I guess it’s not surprising- we’ve all heard stories about the gratitude that arises when we are shaken out of our sense of immortality. Wouldn’t it be better if we could connect with this experience without having to face our own, or a loved one’s death?
If the ‘bar’ for happiness was ‘on the ground’, what happiness might be more visible to you?’
So, what do you think? Achieve or not achieve? Aim to achieve or non-achieve? Or both?
ACTION CHALLENGE: Choose one or both of:
1 Write an achievements list, including learning to read/write/swim/drive, times you have helped someone or forgiven someone, losing weight, wins, prizes etc. Add to it and keep the list handy to remind you of what you have achieved when you feel low.
2 Set your bar on the ground. You are already a winner. What is available to you now?
I’m curious to know your reactions. Post your thoughts below.
Self confidence – what are the keys to self confidence? Those that have subscribed to my newsletter will have received two articles on the keys to self confidence.
To recap:
Firstly, knowing who you are, what are your strengths, what matters to you and what you want in life. Part of this is setting boundaries and being able and willing to say “no”.
Secondly, knowing where you are heading and setting goals in order to get there.
Facing fears is a necessary part of setting boundaries and also moving forward towards your goals. I’ve noticed a correlation in my willingness to move beyond my comfort zones and the speed at which I move forward.
I fear heights – so recently went abseiling. [Read more →]
‘We don’t see things as they are;
we see things as we are.’
~ Anais Nin
Wow, what a powerful quotation. If we want to change something, or change the way we see something, we need to change ourselves.
ACTION CHALLENGE:
Pick a situation that is challenging you right now. Don’t go for the biggest one just yet, perhaps a smaller challenge.
Secondly, imagine you are someone else. Perhaps a wise old woman, or a young rebel or a civil rights campaigner. Take a few minutes to imagine what it would be like to live as this person.
Thirdly, look at the challenge through that other person’s eyes. What do you notice? What becomes possible from this point of view? How does this affect your self confidence?What action do you want to take?
Let me know your thoughts on this below. Whose perspective will you choose?
Great article from Kristi Hedges. Here’s an excerpt:
‘Give it to women straight. When Heath goes in to provide a leadership development program, she first delivers personalized feedback to the participants. The all-too-common response is: “I’ve never heard that.” The corporate culture in most companies doesn’t provide a consistent process for feedback. And women pay the price. According to Heath, feedback is akin to a GPS system that allows women leaders to modify their behavior. Heath has conducted surveys at organizations including law firms and banks, where male executives frequently say they dislike providing feedback to women because women expect lengthy explanations and can react emotionally. The men often elected to forgo the feedback.’
I’ve been carrying out interviews of career women this year. I’ve asked them about the challenges they face. I’ll tell you more about the results in a future issue.
It affects us all
The theme of self confidence came up time and time again. Worded as the ability to talk about your success in the same way as your male colleagues. Or believing in your abilities. Or fear of failure holding you back. Some women feel like impostors who risk being found out.
I have been wanting to write in my newsletter and it has been near the top of my to-do list for longer than I care to admit. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about my relaunch as ‘Self Confidence for Women’ which you will have noticed.
Putting things off
So why the procrastination?
I’m learning not to beat myself up at times like these. There’s usually a reason for procrastination, often a good one. I’ve spent a bit of time sitting with this and being curious. (Something I’d recommend for something you are putting off). [Read more →]
Every time you state what you want or believe, you’re the first to hear it. It’s a message to both you and others about what you think is possible. Don’t put a ceiling on yourself.
Earlier this year, a friend and I agreed to apply to run a 10K race, partly to motivate ourselves to get out and run. I’ve run a 5K event before and wanted to stretch myself a bit more. My friend applied for an early April race which I felt didn’t give me enough training time to be sure of running the whole distance. I wanted longer to train so started to look at May races. In fact I did not apply for a May race and I have only just started to train.
If I had turned up for the April event, I would have been training since February. I would now be fitter. I might not have run the whole 10K run in April, maybe I would have walked some of the route. Yet, given that my goal is to get fit, or fitter, rather than have an impressive time for the event, that wouldn’t have mattered.
I don’t think of myself as perfectionist, yet my desire to make a ‘proper’ go of the event got in the way of my real goal – to get fit. [Read more →]
I read recently that Seinfeld is said to have spoken of the value of writing every day. He used a large wall calendar and scored a big red x over each day that he wrote. He was motivated to carry on crossing off the days and not breaking the chain.
It isn’t always the big steps that get us where we want to go, it is the consistent daily action, a succession of baby steps that build amazing outcomes. Daily action builds habits. [Read more →]
