And next year’s words await another voice.

And to make an end is to
make a beginning. ~T.S. Eliot

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety,
And the grey promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

‘Awaken your spirit to adventure’. ‘Learn to find ease in risk’.

Allow these words to inspire you as you grow in self confidence and move forwards.

CREDIT: "I am enough" necklace - available from http://t.co/PcZXdSE

Ever considered that it is a  lie?

What if you ARE enough?

I’ve been thinking about this recently. I’ve been out of my comfort zone, training others in coaching skills. It represented a challenge to me, a big challenge and there were points when I was really very scared. I was worried that I wasn’t enough of an experienced trainer, or hadn’t done enough preparation or that I wasn’t flexible enough and even that I wasn’t nice enough. Funnily enough, none of that worrying had a positive impact on my training.

The turning point for me was realising that my best asset in that training room was myself. I decided I wanted to be vulnerable and yet also have authority. For me that meant apologising when I got things wrong and being willing to demonstrate in front of the room – being vulnerable. It also meant being tenacious and challenging in order to get the best from the participants – having authority. Those of you who know me will know that those two things are a large part of my personality. I showed up as me and let go of worrying if they liked me.

It was a huge relief. That training day wasn’t perfect and yet it was powerful and a lot more fun.

This video is a reminder of the power of vulnerability and authenticity. And also a reminder that you are enough.

Here’s a link in case the embedded video doesn’t work:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html?awesm=on.ted.com_8s5P

Take some time to watch the video and ask yourself that question – What if you ARE enough? What becomes possible?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, please do comment below.

~ Kim Allen

I’ve realised I lack self confidence, so now what?

Clients (and strangers) ask me this. I wonder if they hope that I have a pink pill, or even a hypodermic syringe. Some magic and instant solution.

The bad news

There is no instant solution. No magic pink pill.

The good news

You will improve your self confidence when you make changes to the way you think. You will improve your self confidence when you make changes to the way you behave. Honestly.

Self confidence is not something you are born with. (Or maybe you are, maybe children are naturally confident but that’s a whole different debate) It can be knocked and doesn’t need to stay permanently damaged. You can have low self confidence and it can be improved.

I often describe it as a muscle -as you practise the habits that build self confidence you can build that muscle, no matter how weak it is now.

A three legged stool

Building self confidence is made up of 3 elements, all essential. Like a three legged stool you need all three to feel stable.

1. Know yourself.
2. Do something new. Move out of your comfort zones.
3. Say “no”.

I’m going to say a little bit more about each of these.

Know yourself

Knowing who you are and what you want out of your life gives you a grounding. Take some time to recognise your strengths and weaknesses.

Some of you will come up with a blank at those two sentences. For you I’d recommend some gentle exploration. Every day, make a note of what you enjoyed most – an enjoyment diary – and notice the patterns.

Or, a more spiritual version would be to use the Examen prayer. This was devised by Catholic Jesuits and could also work with other faiths.

Click here for more information on this – http://bit.ly/azQhVb

Do something new

Trying new things, improves your self confidence. This can be as small as varying the supermarket you use for your weekly shop or as large as applying for a new job. As you stretch yourself and move out of your comfort zones you are increasing the limits of what you believe you can do.

Say “no”

Explore what you want to say “yes” to and what you want to say “no” to. Say “yes” to the things that make you feel alive, more yourself, connected. Say “no” to the things that you do not want to do and God is not calling you to. Say “no” to the things that deaden you and rob you of energy. and say “no” more often. Set firm boundaries and respect yourself.

In recent months, I’ve been moving out of safe places. I’ve been talking to large groups of women, leading workshops, managing young people, succeeding, failing, learning new skills and often without the safety net of enough time to prepare. There were times when I doubted I would manage the new thing. As things start to quieten down I notice that I did cope. I threw myself into the experience and know that my capabilities are more than I realised. I can do much more than I thought I could. This gives me increased confidence to continue moving forward and continue growing.

In future posts I’ll explore each of these aspects in more depth. For now, take one of these and take a baby step forward.

Share your thoughts here on improving self confidence. What has worked for you and not worked for you?

To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.

I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.

And here is Bonnie celebrating non-achievement.

Click here for Bonnie’s site.  I’m reprinting her thoughts here -

‘I was at an art show recently where my friend Ron made his very first sale- the largest piece in the show sold for $5,000. I was excited for him, and he seemed pleased as well.

But when I asked him how he and his wife would celebrate, he seemed very nonchalant. ‘Oh, I don’t know if we will,’ he said.

Now, I’m not the kind of person who opens a bottle of champagne for every achievement, but this seemed notably non-reactive to me. He has a day job, and so money wasn’t the issue- though his work is expensive to make. But when I asked him about the significance of not-celebrating, what he said surprised me.

“I’m happy to sell a piece,’ he said. “And I’m equally happy not to sell a piece. My happiness doesn’t depend on sales, really. I learned a long time ago that most people make it far too difficult to be happy- and I decided that I would do things differently. I don’t raise the bar at all- I just lay it on the ground. Then, to be happy, all I have to do is step over it.”

This was several months ago, and I’m still in awe of this simple idea.

It has me thinking about how ‘happiness’ gets defined, and by whom… How are ideas of ‘happiness’ related to ideas about ‘success’? And what are the measures of each?

What I like best about Ron’s idea is the notion that ‘people make it far too difficult to be happy’. He’s saying that for most of us, happiness is conditional- it depends on an outcome, achievement or result that we have set our hearts on. And that puts our own happiness in the hands of someone else.

Even if that’s not true, and the goal is self-determined, what happens if our happiness depends upon that goal? If we don’t get there, then most of us respond by being critical of ourselves, scolding, berating or demeaning some perceived deficiency.

What if we just set the bar on the ground? What would happen if we cut the ties between ‘achievement’, ‘accomplishment’ and ‘happiness’? What would the experience of ‘happiness’ be like, without attachment to these other measures?

Since speaking with Ron about this, I’ve been more available, more aware, of what is just going on around me, at any given time. Things like the feeling of moist, warm air on the skin of my arms as I walk to the store for milk. Or the sound of the strange, black bird that is living in my neighbour’s pear tree (a common gackle, as it turns out.) Even noticing how much my feet hurt after a morning painting the living room walls – and feeling happy that I can notice these things, happy at my ability to paint, to walk, to hear.

None of these things are attached to my goals and hopes, my dreams or aspirations. But somehow, noticing these things has allowed me to lighten up when it comes to my goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Ron’s decision to put the ‘bar on the ground’, didn’t just happen, as I found out later.

‘It might have been connected’ he said, to the experience of a serious head injury as a teen, and his almost dying as a result. I guess it’s not surprising- we’ve all heard stories about the gratitude that arises when we are shaken out of our sense of immortality. Wouldn’t it be better if we could connect with this experience without having to face our own, or a loved one’s death?

If the ‘bar’ for happiness was ‘on the ground’, what happiness might be more visible to you?’

So, what do you think? Achieve or not achieve? Aim to achieve or non-achieve? Or both?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Choose one or both of:
1 Write an achievements list, including learning to read/write/swim/drive, times you have helped someone or forgiven someone, losing weight, wins, prizes etc. Add to it and keep the list handy to remind you of what you have achieved when you feel low.

2 Set your bar on  the ground. You are already a winner. What is available to you now?

I’m curious to know your reactions. Post your thoughts below.

http://youtu.be/sdMRA0JPqsk

Contact me if you’d like to know more about the work I’m doing with Striding Out.

If you’re at Greenbelt, come and join my Self Confidence for women workshop.

See you there!

UPDATE: I spoke at Greenbelt and 137 women explored self confidence and discussed how to say “No”. I’m in touch with a number of them. It was wonderful to discuss the difference between working out what others expect of us (particularly bosses and adult children) and what we actually want to give. What are our boundaries?

~ John Wooden