‘Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?

That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.’

This is the beginning of a New York Times article on self compassion. It isn’t the same as self confidence – and some would say more important. The article goes on to recommend reassuring yourself rather than telling yourself off. The reassurance helps motivation.

It backs up my mantra to clients to be gentle to themselves. Often high achievers won’t celebrate their success but would rather focus on the negative.

A question to ponder – How can you be kind to yourself today?

Read the full article here

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/

This is an extract from Resurrection by Rob Bell, whole poem below.  I love that line ‘what we do with our lives matters’.

Jesus is standing in front of the temple in Jerusalem
the massive gleaming brick and stone and gold house of God
and he says destroy this temple
and I’ll rebuild it in three days

the people listening to him said how are you going to do that?
it took 46 years to build this temple!
but he wasn’t talking about that temple
he’s talking about himself
he essentially says, listen
I’m going to be killed
that’s where this is headed
because you don’t confront corrupt systems of power
without paying for it
sometimes with your own blood
and so he’s headed to his execution
if you had witnessed this divine life extinguished on a cross
how would you not be overwhelmed with despair?

is the world ultimately a cold, hard, dead place?

does death have the last word?
is it truly, honestly, actually dark
and so whatever light we do see
whatever good we do stumble upon
are those just blips on the radar?
momentary interruptions in an otherwise meaningless existence?
because if that’s the case then despair is the
only reasonable response

it’s easy to be cynical

but Jesus says destroy this temple and I’ll rebuild it
he insists that his execution would not be the end
he’s talking about something new and unexpected
happening after his death
he’s talking about resurrection

resurrection announces that God has not given up on the world
because this world matters
this world that we call home
dirt and blood and sweat and skin and light and water
this world that God is redeeming and restoring and renewing

greed and violence and abuse they are not right
and they cannot last
they belong to death and death does not belong

resurrection says that what we do with our lives matters
in this body
the one that we inhabit right now
every act of compassion matters
every work of art that celebrates the good and the true matters
every fair and honest act of business and trade
every kind word
they all belong and they will all go on in God’s good world
nothing will be forgotten
nothing will be wasted
it all has it’s place

everybody believes something
everybody believes somebody
Jesus invites us to trust resurrection
that every glimmer of good
every hint of hope
every impulse that elevates the soul
is a sign, a taste, a glimpse
of how things actually are
and how things will ultimately be
resurrection affirms this life and the next
as a seamless reality
embraced
graced
and saved by God

there is an unexpected mysterious presence
who meets each of us in our lowest moments
when we have no strength when we have nothing left
and we can’t go on we hear the voice that speaks those
words

destroy this temple and I’ll rebuild it

do you believe this?
that’s the question Jesus asked then
and that’s the question he asks now

Jesus’ friends arrive at his tomb and they’re told
he isn’t here
you didn’t see that coming, did you?
he’s isn’t here
there is nothing to fear
and nothing can ever be the same again
we are living in a world in the midst of rescue
with endless unexpected possibilities

they will take my life and I will die Jesus says
but that will not be the end
and when you find yourself assuming that it’s over
when it’s lost, gone, broken and it could never be
put back together again,
when it’s been destroyed and you swear that it could never
be rebuilt

hold on a minute
because in that moment
things will in fact have just begun

The easiest thing to be in the world is you.

The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.

- Leo Buscaglia

What are your thoughts when you read this quotation?

I find myself arguing with ‘the easiest thing’. And then agreeing with ‘the most difficult thing’. Agreeing with the discomfort, the pain of contorting myself to be what another person wants me to be. Which will be different to what someone else wants me to be.

The relief of being just me. No apologies. No hiding.

One wonderful result of being just me is it seems to make it easier for others to be just themselves too.

Do you find it easy to be you? Or easy to be what others want you to be?

Comment below with your thoughts on this.

Why are we so eager to cut down on sleep, to take on extra responsibilities, to push ourselves into exhaustion?

I LOVE jumping in at the deep end and pushing past boundaries and self employment brought me so many!  New challenges, new projects, new skills to learn. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Whipping myself to carry on and do even more.

Well, yes.

And it makes sense to have some rest in the mix. Work that feels comfortable amongst the work that is challenging.

Over the last year I’ve been recovering from doing  too much. I didn’t heed warnings so my body, mind and spirit needed to shout at me and tell me that enough was enough. I had to reduce my workload down to concentrating on my one-to-one clients. And prioritise health and recovery.

Be gentle to yourself

What do those words mean to you? For me it was about rest, looking at my diet, seeing a counsellor. Not telling myself off for rest and relaxation. I saved my energy for people and activities that boosted me. And – most challengingly for an enneagram 8 – ask for help. I asked for support from others.

For you it might be about saying “No”. Taking a lunch break or leaving work on time. Carving out some time in the week for activities that boost you. Getting more sleep or eating more vegetables. Or even just switching off that negative voice in your head that tells you that you’re not good enough.

Growing in self confidence isn’t just about moving out of comfort zones. Sometimes it’s about making where we are right now more comfortable for ourselves.

How can you be gentle to yourself today? Leave a comment below.

And if you would like to learn this more thoroughly, to embed gentleness into your life, drop me a line. Lets see how we can create a life that is bold and courageous – and gentle.

Wishing you a very happy Christmas day.

I hope you have time to rest and recuperate over the holidays.

Rosalyn

Often schools and job appraisals focus on our weakest areas and where we need to improve, not on our strongest areas. Yet, often we would need to put in a significant effort to raise a weakness to a mediocre level and get disheartened in the process. Whereas putting in the same effort to an area of strength can raise a strength to an expertise.

I’m going to focus on two areas here; identifying your strengths and converting a weakness to a strength.

1.Identifying your strengths

The first part of this is easy. What do you think are your strengths? Work ones and home ones. Organising, listening, leading, cooking, detail focused, positivity, communicating, being spontaneous?

A brilliant tool for identifying strengths is Gallup’s Strengthfinder 2.0. This is a combination of book and online link to identify your top five strengths out of 34 possibles. It’s based on 40 years of research into human strengths and quickly developed from a managment tool to something used far more widely.  Link to buy from Amazon here:

Strengthsfinder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test from Gallup’s Now Discover Your Strengths

2. Converting a weakness into a strength

I often work with people who are extrovert creatives. They find themselves in an environment surrounded by introvert technical people and notice where they are weak in comparison. The converse is that my clients are often better at dealing with people, either clients or team members and better at being spontaneous and reacting easily to change. These are strengths and by focusing on these strengths, my clients can work towards using more of those strengths and less of their weaknesses in their work.

So, what happens next?

Concentrating on your strengths and not your weaknesses will increase your self confidence. You will feel good about the fact that you are doing something well and improving. You will enjoy using that strength in your life and work.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Identify five strengths. How can you incorporate them more into your life?

When you sign up to my newsletter you get a free two part report on increasing self confidence. The first part goes into more detail about strengths. Sign up at the top right of the screen. Or if you are already signed up, drop me an email and I will send it to you.

Also, this is one of the topics  we cover in my 3 session mini coaching package 3 Steps to Greater Self-Confidence coaching package . Three sessions designed to  move you forward in self confidence. Contact me to learn more and find out whether this package is what you need right now to make the changes you long to make.

~ Michael Gervais

If you’ve been considering coaching this is the ideal opportunity; a standalone session AND helping Danielle go to Chile with Project Trust and work with underprivileged children. She needs to raise over £4,000.

Just drop me a one sentence email with the value of your donation by midnight on 7^th July.

This Confidence session can help you answer topics like:

• How can I say “No” to all the competing demands in my life?
• I want to be able to love myself
• How can I make a difference to the world when I hate my job?
• How can I feel less drained?

Picture having the space to talk, with structured exercises to move you forward.

I’d love to help

My two specialities are helping professional women increase their self confidence. And supporting people to find work that does more than just pay the bills.

Another Option: Get Someone Else to Bid for you

This would be a great anniversary or birthday gift. Tell your partner… that you would like time just for you,  to be pampered with a Confidence coaching session

Just use the share buttons below to forward this to them.

How to Bid

It’s very easy. Simply email me with one sentence with the amount you want to donate.  I will be in touch with the winning bidders to book the individual coaching sessions.

Take This Opportunity

These Confidence Sessions will be an hour long. The normal investment is £75 per session. The session can either be face to face in Birmingham or over the telephone. If you have any questions, please do get in touch.

UPDATE: Danielle met her target and is working in Chile. An amazing achievement on her part.

Fruit drops from the tree when it is ready.
Staying too long,
or moving too early,
misses the mark.

The mark is the appropriateness
that causes the fruit to fall when it is ready…
the process has its own timing,
and it creates changes in your life
when those changes need to happen.

~ Gary Zukav

Don’t rush.

Step off that achievement treadmill and allow change to happen in its own time. Not overnight.

You want to make changes in your life and you can do it gently.

Contact me to take the next step forward – http://rosalynclare-coaching.co.uk/contact-me/

And next year’s words await another voice.

And to make an end is to
make a beginning. ~T.S. Eliot