To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.

I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.

And here is Bonnie celebrating non-achievement.

Click here for Bonnie’s site.  I’m reprinting her thoughts here -

‘I was at an art show recently where my friend Ron made his very first sale- the largest piece in the show sold for $5,000. I was excited for him, and he seemed pleased as well.

But when I asked him how he and his wife would celebrate, he seemed very nonchalant. ‘Oh, I don’t know if we will,’ he said.

Now, I’m not the kind of person who opens a bottle of champagne for every achievement, but this seemed notably non-reactive to me. He has a day job, and so money wasn’t the issue- though his work is expensive to make. But when I asked him about the significance of not-celebrating, what he said surprised me.

“I’m happy to sell a piece,’ he said. “And I’m equally happy not to sell a piece. My happiness doesn’t depend on sales, really. I learned a long time ago that most people make it far too difficult to be happy- and I decided that I would do things differently. I don’t raise the bar at all- I just lay it on the ground. Then, to be happy, all I have to do is step over it.”

This was several months ago, and I’m still in awe of this simple idea.

It has me thinking about how ‘happiness’ gets defined, and by whom… How are ideas of ‘happiness’ related to ideas about ‘success’? And what are the measures of each?

What I like best about Ron’s idea is the notion that ‘people make it far too difficult to be happy’. He’s saying that for most of us, happiness is conditional- it depends on an outcome, achievement or result that we have set our hearts on. And that puts our own happiness in the hands of someone else.

Even if that’s not true, and the goal is self-determined, what happens if our happiness depends upon that goal? If we don’t get there, then most of us respond by being critical of ourselves, scolding, berating or demeaning some perceived deficiency.

What if we just set the bar on the ground? What would happen if we cut the ties between ‘achievement’, ‘accomplishment’ and ‘happiness’? What would the experience of ‘happiness’ be like, without attachment to these other measures?

Since speaking with Ron about this, I’ve been more available, more aware, of what is just going on around me, at any given time. Things like the feeling of moist, warm air on the skin of my arms as I walk to the store for milk. Or the sound of the strange, black bird that is living in my neighbour’s pear tree (a common gackle, as it turns out.) Even noticing how much my feet hurt after a morning painting the living room walls – and feeling happy that I can notice these things, happy at my ability to paint, to walk, to hear.

None of these things are attached to my goals and hopes, my dreams or aspirations. But somehow, noticing these things has allowed me to lighten up when it comes to my goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Ron’s decision to put the ‘bar on the ground’, didn’t just happen, as I found out later.

‘It might have been connected’ he said, to the experience of a serious head injury as a teen, and his almost dying as a result. I guess it’s not surprising- we’ve all heard stories about the gratitude that arises when we are shaken out of our sense of immortality. Wouldn’t it be better if we could connect with this experience without having to face our own, or a loved one’s death?

If the ‘bar’ for happiness was ‘on the ground’, what happiness might be more visible to you?’

So, what do you think? Achieve or not achieve? Aim to achieve or non-achieve? Or both?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Choose one or both of:
1 Write an achievements list, including learning to read/write/swim/drive, times you have helped someone or forgiven someone, losing weight, wins, prizes etc. Add to it and keep the list handy to remind you of what you have achieved when you feel low.

2 Set your bar on  the ground. You are already a winner. What is available to you now?

I’m curious to know your reactions. Post your thoughts below.

http://youtu.be/sdMRA0JPqsk

Contact me if you’d like to know more about the work I’m doing with Striding Out.

If you’re at Greenbelt, come and join my Self Confidence for women workshop.

See you there!

~ John Wooden

We’re offering no cost career coaching for unemployed professionals via Job Centre Plus.

More details below.

I recently wrote about facing fears. How often do we tell ourselves we can do nothing?

This girl addressed the UN about the environment…

Action challenge: What would you like to stand up for? Who can you contact to register your voice?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your action.
© Rosalyn Clare

Take the free 5 minute ‘Discover Your Goals’ quiz and get your customised Goals Report here:
http://www.FreeGoalsReport.com/quiz

Use this to establish your priorities for the next six months. The quiz is short and helpful.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Download the quiz and get thinking about your goals.

Self confidence – what are the keys to self confidence? Those that have subscribed to my newsletter will have received two articles on the keys to self confidence.

To recap:

Firstly, knowing who you are, what are your strengths, what matters to you and what you want in life. Part of this is setting boundaries and being able and willing to say “no”.

Secondly, knowing where you are heading and setting goals in order to get there.

Facing fears is a necessary part of setting boundaries and also moving forward towards your goals. I’ve noticed a correlation in my willingness to move beyond my comfort zones and the speed at which I move forward.

I fear heights – so recently went abseiling. I wanted to stretch myself. We started with a short rock, maybe 10 foot tall, then a bigger one then a bigger one still. Part of abseiling is leaning back over the edge of the rock to the point of being almost horizontal, then walking back down. I found it was better just to do it and not spend too much dreading the experience. Face the fear and then get walking. I can’t honestly say I enjoyed the abseiling. And yet I achieved something I had thought impossible.

There was something about those abseils which showed me I could face other fears. I can do more than I realise.

And feeling scared doesn’t mean that I have to stop. It is possible to move on whilst being scared.

So that movement out of mycomfort zone of staying away from heights  showed me that I can move out of other comfort zones, that I can do more than I think or feel is possible. I now know that if my life depended on it, I could abseil.

Just suceeding in doing something scary is good for my self confidence. It gives me a sense of achievement. There’s evidence to show that doing new things, even if it’s just trying a new sandwich shop at lunchtime, is good for self confidence. Stretching oneself.

In the next few months I have been asked to give a series of workshops on leadership to some young people in Birmingham. That will represent a stretch, doing something slightly scary. I am more able to do this because I have chosen other stretches.

So, as the new year of 2010 starts, what fears do you want to face? How can you move out of your comfort zones?

ACTION CHALLENGE:

A little stretach – Try something new this month. A new sport, a new activity, a meeting up with a new acquaintance. Not necessarily something scary, just a gentle move in a new direction.

Or a bigger step. What would you do if you were not afraid? How would taking a risk right now move you forward?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
© Rosalyn Clare

Offer: To celebrate my accreditation – I’m now a certified professional coactive coach (hurrah!) – I’m offering a reduced price session to get you to face your fears and move forward towards your goals.This offer is for the first 10 people to email me and apply. Price only £20 (normally £75)

Rosalyn

~ Ray Blanton