To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.

I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.

And here is Bonnie celebrating non-achievement.

Click here for Bonnie’s site.  I’m reprinting her thoughts here -

‘I was at an art show recently where my friend Ron made his very first sale- the largest piece in the show sold for $5,000. I was excited for him, and he seemed pleased as well.

But when I asked him how he and his wife would celebrate, he seemed very nonchalant. ‘Oh, I don’t know if we will,’ he said.

Now, I’m not the kind of person who opens a bottle of champagne for every achievement, but this seemed notably non-reactive to me. He has a day job, and so money wasn’t the issue- though his work is expensive to make. But when I asked him about the significance of not-celebrating, what he said surprised me.

“I’m happy to sell a piece,’ he said. “And I’m equally happy not to sell a piece. My happiness doesn’t depend on sales, really. I learned a long time ago that most people make it far too difficult to be happy- and I decided that I would do things differently. I don’t raise the bar at all- I just lay it on the ground. Then, to be happy, all I have to do is step over it.”

This was several months ago, and I’m still in awe of this simple idea.

It has me thinking about how ‘happiness’ gets defined, and by whom… How are ideas of ‘happiness’ related to ideas about ‘success’? And what are the measures of each?

What I like best about Ron’s idea is the notion that ‘people make it far too difficult to be happy’. He’s saying that for most of us, happiness is conditional- it depends on an outcome, achievement or result that we have set our hearts on. And that puts our own happiness in the hands of someone else.

Even if that’s not true, and the goal is self-determined, what happens if our happiness depends upon that goal? If we don’t get there, then most of us respond by being critical of ourselves, scolding, berating or demeaning some perceived deficiency.

What if we just set the bar on the ground? What would happen if we cut the ties between ‘achievement’, ‘accomplishment’ and ‘happiness’? What would the experience of ‘happiness’ be like, without attachment to these other measures?

Since speaking with Ron about this, I’ve been more available, more aware, of what is just going on around me, at any given time. Things like the feeling of moist, warm air on the skin of my arms as I walk to the store for milk. Or the sound of the strange, black bird that is living in my neighbour’s pear tree (a common gackle, as it turns out.) Even noticing how much my feet hurt after a morning painting the living room walls – and feeling happy that I can notice these things, happy at my ability to paint, to walk, to hear.

None of these things are attached to my goals and hopes, my dreams or aspirations. But somehow, noticing these things has allowed me to lighten up when it comes to my goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Ron’s decision to put the ‘bar on the ground’, didn’t just happen, as I found out later.

‘It might have been connected’ he said, to the experience of a serious head injury as a teen, and his almost dying as a result. I guess it’s not surprising- we’ve all heard stories about the gratitude that arises when we are shaken out of our sense of immortality. Wouldn’t it be better if we could connect with this experience without having to face our own, or a loved one’s death?

If the ‘bar’ for happiness was ‘on the ground’, what happiness might be more visible to you?’

So, what do you think? Achieve or not achieve? Aim to achieve or non-achieve? Or both?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Choose one or both of:
1 Write an achievements list, including learning to read/write/swim/drive, times you have helped someone or forgiven someone, losing weight, wins, prizes etc. Add to it and keep the list handy to remind you of what you have achieved when you feel low.

2 Set your bar on  the ground. You are already a winner. What is available to you now?

I’m curious to know your reactions. Post your thoughts below.

If I had turned up for the April event, I would have been training since February. I would now be fitter. I might not have run the whole 10K run in April, maybe I would have walked some of the route. Yet, given that my goal is to get fit, or fitter, rather than have an impressive time for the event, that wouldn’t have mattered.

I don’t think of myself as perfectionist, yet my desire to make a ‘proper’ go of the event got in the way of my real goal – to get fit.

The same force is at work with my newsletter. Having gained a number of new subscribers I started to tell myself that this edition needed to be ultra professional, a singing and dancing version of my newsletter. This has meant I haven’t produced a newsletter in nearly four months, putting myself under pressure. And actually my goal is to connect with my readers and share something that be of assistance, rather than be super impressive. My desire to do a great job actually got in the way of my real goals.

I see this with clients who want to make career changes. Sometimes they can be paralysed for years, waiting for the perfect solution to come along. Sometimes a step forward – even if in the wrong direction – is what’s needed to get things moving.

A question for you – what are you delaying because you want to ‘get it right’? Is there an area of your life where you are waiting to have all the answers before you get moving? What is most important in this situation?

Action challenge: I challenge you to take a step forward, without all the answers.To do something rather than nothing.

And if that thought makes you seize up with fear, get in touch for some support in moving forward and making changes.

Let me know by commenting below how this applies to you.

Being positive and being at peace will help maintain your energy levels and support your self-esteem which will help when it comes to networking and applying for other opportunities.

Take a new notebook (as expensive and as beautiful as it can be) and write down your answers to the following questions:

 What do you enjoy in your present job?

What does your job give you?

What are you grateful for in your current work?

What are you achieving at work now?

How could you increase your contribution at work?

If there were one thing you could improve, what would it be? What’s stopping you?

What opportunities are there for developing your role at work?

This is a video based around the Don’t quit poem

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCFeNeqyHk]

Words as follows:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit!

ACTION CHALLENGE: Where are you tempted to quit? Where are you weary? Take a deep breath or five. ‘There is no situation which is improved by holding your breath’ (Molly Gordon). Reach out. Who can help you? Where can you go for support?

If you would like me to hold your hand with this situation, contact me at rosalyn@rosalynclare-coaching.co.uk Or subscribe to my newsletter and get to know me a little better first.

Are you treating yourself according to your own rules?

I’m indebted to Kerri Yates for this – who sends me questions that can change lives… www.eudokeo.com

I’m going to take this a stage further.

What are the advantages of putting myself under pressure? What are the disadvantages? A clue to knowing when you are putting yourself under pressure is your body. You might hunch your shoulders or feel a knot in your chest or stomach. You might breathe shallowly through the top part of your body and not your abdomen.

My late grandmother used to serve everyone at the table first and herself last. Then she would rush from the table to get puddings. And later rush from the table to wash the dishes. She was a lovely and giving woman who wanted to serve and to look after her family and friends. Nothing was too much trouble.

Now, we never talked about it, but I imagine that she had a mental script of ‘I have to care for others’, ‘I have to serve’ and maybe ‘I mustn’t consider my own needs’.

The advantages for me were many as one of the recipients of her giving. I am sure she was blessed as she gave to others. And yet… I remember wishing that she would sit at the table a little longer, relax and let me chat to her. She often looked worried or harrassed. Maybe if she had felt less pressured to serve she would have enjoyed deeper relationships and experienced more peace?

Now this is conjecture. In my own life, I know that putting myself under pressure is not the best way to get the best out of me. As someone (partly) self employed as a life coach, I am my own boss. And I can be a worse boss to myself than I would ever tolerate in the workplace! Telling myself off, beating myself up, seldom praising and recognising the good things I do…

The advantages can sometimes be that things get done sooner. The disadvantages are stress, sleepless nights and less enjoyment of the work. When I experience less pressure there can be a natural flow and lightness to what I do.

Perfectionism is another form of this. Maybe you want to be a perfect wife, a perfect mother, a perfect daughter? Achieve the best sales results in your team? Does Christmas have to be a perfect day?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Think again of how you put yourself under pressure. Who do you pressure yourself to be? Do you want to be perfect or the best at something? Take some time to reflect. Instead of sitting down with a piece of paper, I encourage you to go and visit somewhere beautiful. Sit down by a river perhaps and ponder over the advantages and disadvantages of what you tell yourself. And as you wander, allow your heart to tell you another way of looking at the situation. What would be another way of living?

Why do you put pressure on yourself? This is a question I have been pondering recently. I am going to write a couple of posts about the subject.

Why do I beat myself up about things that often do not really matter.

First exercise – think of something you feel you HAVE to do. Say – finish the ironing this evening.

Tense a fist and say “I HAVE to… [whatever it is].” Feel the tension in your hand and arm and the corresponding tension in yourself.

Then hold out the other hand, palm up and say “I WANT to… [same issue].” Feel the difference in your arm and the corresponding relaxed state in yourself.

Consider each of those statements – I want to… / I have to…

Is either statement true?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Make a list of things which you feel you have to do and test each statement with a clenched fist and an open palm.

Consider each of those statements.

Is either statement true?

Do you have to do it?

Do you want to do it?