CREDIT: "I am enough" necklace - available from http://t.co/PcZXdSE

Ever considered that it is a  lie?

What if you ARE enough?

I’ve been thinking about this recently. I’ve been out of my comfort zone, training others in coaching skills. It represented a challenge to me, a big challenge and there were points when I was really very scared. I was worried that I wasn’t enough of an experienced trainer, or hadn’t done enough preparation or that I wasn’t flexible enough and even that I wasn’t nice enough. Funnily enough, none of that worrying had a positive impact on my training.

The turning point for me was realising that my best asset in that training room was myself. I decided I wanted to be vulnerable and yet also have authority. For me that meant apologising when I got things wrong and being willing to demonstrate in front of the room – being vulnerable. It also meant being tenacious and challenging in order to get the best from the participants – having authority. Those of you who know me will know that those two things are a large part of my personality. I showed up as me and let go of worrying if they liked me.

It was a huge relief. That training day wasn’t perfect and yet it was powerful and a lot more fun.

This video is a reminder of the power of vulnerability and authenticity. And also a reminder that you are enough.

Here’s a link in case the embedded video doesn’t work:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html?awesm=on.ted.com_8s5P

Take some time to watch the video and ask yourself that question – What if you ARE enough? What becomes possible?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, please do comment below.

To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.

I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.

And here is Bonnie celebrating non-achievement.

Click here for Bonnie’s site.  I’m reprinting her thoughts here -

‘I was at an art show recently where my friend Ron made his very first sale- the largest piece in the show sold for $5,000. I was excited for him, and he seemed pleased as well.

But when I asked him how he and his wife would celebrate, he seemed very nonchalant. ‘Oh, I don’t know if we will,’ he said.

Now, I’m not the kind of person who opens a bottle of champagne for every achievement, but this seemed notably non-reactive to me. He has a day job, and so money wasn’t the issue- though his work is expensive to make. But when I asked him about the significance of not-celebrating, what he said surprised me.

“I’m happy to sell a piece,’ he said. “And I’m equally happy not to sell a piece. My happiness doesn’t depend on sales, really. I learned a long time ago that most people make it far too difficult to be happy- and I decided that I would do things differently. I don’t raise the bar at all- I just lay it on the ground. Then, to be happy, all I have to do is step over it.”

This was several months ago, and I’m still in awe of this simple idea.

It has me thinking about how ‘happiness’ gets defined, and by whom… How are ideas of ‘happiness’ related to ideas about ‘success’? And what are the measures of each?

What I like best about Ron’s idea is the notion that ‘people make it far too difficult to be happy’. He’s saying that for most of us, happiness is conditional- it depends on an outcome, achievement or result that we have set our hearts on. And that puts our own happiness in the hands of someone else.

Even if that’s not true, and the goal is self-determined, what happens if our happiness depends upon that goal? If we don’t get there, then most of us respond by being critical of ourselves, scolding, berating or demeaning some perceived deficiency.

What if we just set the bar on the ground? What would happen if we cut the ties between ‘achievement’, ‘accomplishment’ and ‘happiness’? What would the experience of ‘happiness’ be like, without attachment to these other measures?

Since speaking with Ron about this, I’ve been more available, more aware, of what is just going on around me, at any given time. Things like the feeling of moist, warm air on the skin of my arms as I walk to the store for milk. Or the sound of the strange, black bird that is living in my neighbour’s pear tree (a common gackle, as it turns out.) Even noticing how much my feet hurt after a morning painting the living room walls – and feeling happy that I can notice these things, happy at my ability to paint, to walk, to hear.

None of these things are attached to my goals and hopes, my dreams or aspirations. But somehow, noticing these things has allowed me to lighten up when it comes to my goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Ron’s decision to put the ‘bar on the ground’, didn’t just happen, as I found out later.

‘It might have been connected’ he said, to the experience of a serious head injury as a teen, and his almost dying as a result. I guess it’s not surprising- we’ve all heard stories about the gratitude that arises when we are shaken out of our sense of immortality. Wouldn’t it be better if we could connect with this experience without having to face our own, or a loved one’s death?

If the ‘bar’ for happiness was ‘on the ground’, what happiness might be more visible to you?’

So, what do you think? Achieve or not achieve? Aim to achieve or non-achieve? Or both?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Choose one or both of:
1 Write an achievements list, including learning to read/write/swim/drive, times you have helped someone or forgiven someone, losing weight, wins, prizes etc. Add to it and keep the list handy to remind you of what you have achieved when you feel low.

2 Set your bar on  the ground. You are already a winner. What is available to you now?

I’m curious to know your reactions. Post your thoughts below.

I recently wrote about facing fears. How often do we tell ourselves we can do nothing?

This girl addressed the UN about the environment…

Action challenge: What would you like to stand up for? Who can you contact to register your voice?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your action.
© Rosalyn Clare

Take the free 5 minute ‘Discover Your Goals’ quiz and get your customised Goals Report here:
http://www.FreeGoalsReport.com/quiz

Use this to establish your priorities for the next six months. The quiz is short and helpful.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Download the quiz and get thinking about your goals.

~ Anais Nin

Wow, what a powerful quotation. If we want to change something, or change the way we see something, we need to change ourselves.

ACTION CHALLENGE:

Pick a situation that is challenging you right now. Don’t go for the biggest one just yet, perhaps a smaller challenge.

Secondly, imagine you are someone else. Perhaps a wise old woman, or a young rebel or a civil rights campaigner. Take a few minutes to imagine what it would be like to live as this person.

Thirdly, look at the challenge through that other person’s eyes. What do you notice? What becomes possible from this point of view? How does this affect your self confidence?What action do you want to take?

Let me know your thoughts on this below. Whose perspective will you choose?

If I had turned up for the April event, I would have been training since February. I would now be fitter. I might not have run the whole 10K run in April, maybe I would have walked some of the route. Yet, given that my goal is to get fit, or fitter, rather than have an impressive time for the event, that wouldn’t have mattered.

I don’t think of myself as perfectionist, yet my desire to make a ‘proper’ go of the event got in the way of my real goal – to get fit.

The same force is at work with my newsletter. Having gained a number of new subscribers I started to tell myself that this edition needed to be ultra professional, a singing and dancing version of my newsletter. This has meant I haven’t produced a newsletter in nearly four months, putting myself under pressure. And actually my goal is to connect with my readers and share something that be of assistance, rather than be super impressive. My desire to do a great job actually got in the way of my real goals.

I see this with clients who want to make career changes. Sometimes they can be paralysed for years, waiting for the perfect solution to come along. Sometimes a step forward – even if in the wrong direction – is what’s needed to get things moving.

A question for you – what are you delaying because you want to ‘get it right’? Is there an area of your life where you are waiting to have all the answers before you get moving? What is most important in this situation?

Action challenge: I challenge you to take a step forward, without all the answers.To do something rather than nothing.

And if that thought makes you seize up with fear, get in touch for some support in moving forward and making changes.

Let me know by commenting below how this applies to you.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Where are you afraid? What can you focus on that will help you see beyond your fear?

I wrote about something similar a year ago on changing perspective.

So, how about giving it a go?

ACTION CHALLENGE: Pick an area in your life in which you feel stuck. Get a new page in your notebook or PDA and list the characteristics of your current perspective. How do you think and feel about this problems right now? Now as you look at what you have written, do you like this perspective? Do you want a change?

Then either use the ‘Unsticker’ tool or choose another perspective. I invite you to try standing up and physically moving to another point in the room, then looking at the situation from this new perspective. Perhaps – what would a child say about this problem? Or if this problem were a item of clothing what would it be? Ask yourself – what is possible?

If you find yourself going back to the thoughts and feelings of the first stuck perspective gently bring yourself back to the new again. Then repeat with another perspective and another physical move. The physical move is a trick to help your brain to think that something new is about to happen and be more welcoming to new thoughts. Try as many times as it takes for you to see your problem in a new way with a clearer way forward.

How did you find that? Post your comments and experiences below.

We are used to the notion of putting up with things. “How are you?” “Can’t complain” “Mustn’t grumble” “Could be worse”

And as a (British) race I sometimes wonder if we like to have something to moan about.

Tolerations can drain so much energy that we haven’t enough left over for the things we really like to do. Like a couple of very small stones constantly in a shoe, or the feeling of being slightly spiked by a cactus.

What am I tolerating?

I recently came to realise that the voluntary work I was doing was draining my energy and eating into precious time I didn’t really have. I tolerated it for the good of the young people and the good of the project. Sounds a bit pompous, doesn’t it?! And then one day I noticed that I didn’t know all the names of the young people. and I’d asked one volunteer what she did 4 times… I started to question who was benefiting from me doing this work. I certainly wasn’t. And maybe the project wasn’t either.

So I left. At a good time, to minimise inconvenience and nevertheless I left.

This spurred me on. To get a quote for some decorating which I haven’t got round to in such a long time. To finally recycle my old microwave and toaster which had been sitting in the boot of my car. All those things which caused irritation and depleted precious energy, as I noticed them.

And, more challenging, to re-examine some friendships which were more than slightly one-sided,

To make room for the life I want to lead.

To allow energy to be spent on relationships and my business and family and the things that matter to me.

ACTION CHALLENGE: write a list of ten things that you are tolerating. Tackle one a week and notice the change in your energy levels.

And, a more challenging question – is your job a toleration?

And one of the songs I heard repeatedly over that time had the above line.

“This life is more than just a read through” – quote from Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

I used to get my friends to listen out for that line. One of the drivers of the overland truck we used had (it seemed) very few CDs, so we often heard the album this is on.

Whilst I was travelling, I felt my life was not a rehearsal, not just a read through, but I was really living. Some of that was being somewhere beautiful. Experiencing new things. Seeing new places, new countries. Going to a St Patrick’s party in a multi storey car park in Buenos Aires. Jumping off a bridge on a bridge swing. Horse riding through the Andes and through the lush green landscape of Ecuador. Lots of lying in hammocks. And drinking Cuba Libres.

And a long way from rush hours and having to bill my time by the 15 minute slot (will be familiar to lots of you!).

It was also about fulfilling a long held dream. There were lots of practical reasons not to go off backpacking in my ’30s. Lots of more sensible things to do with the money, maybe. But following that dream – and having a great time – made me feel alive. Extra alive!

We only have one life to live right now here on earth. Whatever our beliefs about an after life.

I feel alive right now too. I’m very excited about the work I do with people. Helping them to overcome the fears and insecurities that stop them living the life they really want. Coaching has helped me personally in many ways and I love to see others make changes too.

ACTION CHALLENGE: Do you have dreams? Dreams of starting your own business, living in France or taking up the clarinet? Let me encourage you to listen to your heart rather than that negative gremlin on your shoulder. I have two suggestions. Firstly find someone who will believe in your dream to support you. Secondly, identify one thing you could do this week which would move you closer to that dream and take that baby step.