Do you remember that Grange Hill song? Maybe not, maybe before your time!
The older I get the more important I think this is. Just say “No!” Saying No to the things (and people) that drain you, to the requests that burden you, to the emotional blackmail from your mother. (Just to clarify, not talking about my mother here).
Learning to say “No” is crucial for looking after yourself. And learning to say “No” is crucial for building self confidence. Failing to say “No” can damage your health, your marriage, your relationships, your career.
This is a light hearted look at 25 badass ways to say No from justinemusk.com (you might need to zoom to read them more closely).
Giving thanks right now for my orange bedroom curtains, made by my dear mother from shalwar kameez fabric from Birmingham’s Stratford Road. Thankful for fresh coffee and cake. And thankful for two texts from dear friends suggesting meeting up.
Thankful for my life right now. Thankful in the moment, in the present.
‘Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.’
This is the beginning of a New York Times article on self compassion. It isn’t the same as self confidence – and some would say more important. The article goes on to recommend reassuring yourself rather than telling yourself off. The reassurance helps motivation.
It backs up my mantra to clients to be gentle to themselves. Often high achievers won’t celebrate their success but would rather focus on the negative.
A question to ponder – How can you be kind to yourself today?
‘resurrection says that what we do with our lives matters in this body the one that we inhabit right now every act of compassion matters every work of art that celebrates the good and the true matters every fair and honest act of business and trade every kind word they all belong and they will all go on in God’s good world nothing will be forgotten nothing will be wasted it all has it’s place’
This is an extract from Resurrection by Rob Bell, whole poem below. I love that line ‘what we do with our lives matters’.
Why are we so quick to beat ourselves up? To criticise ourselves, to judge ourselves, to tell ourselves off?
Why are we so eager to cut down on sleep, to take on extra responsibilities, to push ourselves into exhaustion?
I LOVE jumping in at the deep end and pushing past boundaries and self employment brought me so many! New challenges, new projects, new skills to learn. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Whipping myself to carry on and do even more.
I have been chatting to Red magazine about strengths or positive qualities. And how concentrating on our strengths increases self confidence.
Often schools and job appraisals focus on our weakest areas and where we need to improve, not on our strongest areas. Yet, often we would need to put in a significant effort to raise a weakness to a mediocre level and get disheartened in the process. Whereas putting in the same effort to an area of strength can raise a strength to an expertise. [Read more →]
I’ve been inspired to offer something to fund raise for a 18 year old girl Danielle and her gap year volunteering. I am offering coaching sessions to those who make a charitable donation to Danielle’s fundraising for her trip to Chile. [Read more →]
To achieve or not to achieve, that is the question.
I recently received a newsletter from my therapist friend Bonnie Miller, with article ‘The Happiness of Non-Achievement’. Now, if you were my client you’d know I encourage celebrating achievements. Writing a list of them even. A long list. Keeping it. Referring back to it.
UPDATE: I spoke at Greenbelt and 137 women explored self confidence and discussed how to say “No”. I’m in touch with a number of them. It was wonderful to discuss the difference between working out what others expect of us (particularly bosses and adult children) and what we actually want to give. What are our boundaries?